Why I do what I do

This essay appeared on my Hamlet landing page under the title “Why Hamlet Now.” I guess I wrote a lot on April 18.

WHY I DO WHAT I DO

I am losing my mind over the corruption evident in this country, and the lack of respect and empathy we should have for each other. A majority of our population is being left in the dust with no guidance or care from people with the power to help us on a grand scale. They have left us to simply kill each other and suffer in perceived isolation. Nothing makes any sense. We are a society in collapse.

I wonder - and I am seeking historic camaraderie here - if Shakespeare felt the same way, as he was attempting to make a living as what was considered a societal pariah (a playwright and actor) at the time of the Bubonic Plague. The realization that my life is not sacred and personally matters to no one who could “give me opportunities” has forced me, urgently, to this conclusion: I must take massive risks to make the art I want to make NOW. If I let more time pass, I may not have the aptitude, energy, health or resources that I have right now. I am the best version of the Hilary I can be when I’m acting and speaking poetry to a room full of people. I realized this in 6th grade. I need to continue to put that version of myself into the world, as often as I can. I also believe spoken poetry is one of our most powerful tools as humans. We evolved to move each other through word. I have felt the air in a room shift when everyone begins listening together. When I am moved by poetry, I forget my own fears. I remember how wonderful it is to be taken away by emotion, how wonderful it is to hear someone else tell me my own story, to be seen and accepted and valued in that way. I welcome the opportunity to cry in a theater, being moved simply by someone else speaking to me. It is a safe space. It is okay to be human in this space.

I choose to do this for a living. The poetry I use, right now, happens to be Shakespeare.

The second tier of this passion and desire, is: the need to do this with my friends - the actors and producers who are as risk-taking, urgent and committed as I am. Relationships already exist between friends, so the substrate of a relationship onstage between those friends has already been built. Everything informs and enlivens everything. Making art with friends proves to me that I can live my life however I want, and I can help the people I love succeed. I would be nothing without my friends who form a long, interconnected thread stretching out from either side of me.

The third tier of my “manifesto” is this: acting epic poetry allows me to show you all of the iterations and facets of myself that exist. I can show you the limits of my body, my voice and my emotional being. I want to show this to you. I want you to see that this is who I am and that it’s okay for you to explore those parts of you, too. Maybe through poetry. Or paint. Or voice class. Not through guns or expressions of hate or selfishness. We must feel more things together in a safe space. We can hand each other our pain, because the more people there are to hear and hold it, the less we have to manage it ourselves, and the faster it begins to dissipate.

I must acknowledge that Hamlet is a tragedy. And why would I want to bring such tragic material into the world right now, again, this exhaustively sad play during an exhaustively sad time. Here is my offering: that the poetry itself is so beautiful, it transcends categorization. The text of Hamlet offers such stunningly complete lines that, they, themselves, echo in our collective consciousness, separate from the play, and have for 400 years. There is so much to experience in this one piece. I will never tire of hearing or speaking these words.

And, there’s a lot of humor in Hamlet. These characters are hilarious. Fittingly. The only way to fight tragedy is to laugh.

I hope you come to see, or are moved to support, Hamlet this summer. I have studied this role in school, at countless workshops and with countless coaches, discussed it with friends, co-founded a Shakespeare company to be able to perform it, then performed it, and now I’m bringing it to the city where I want my career to be. I hope you come to share what I have been in love with for these last four years. And I hope it inspires you to put more of your loving self out in the world, too.

Hilary

April 18, 2022